Almost Daily
What makes me tick, and what ticks me off
News, views, opinions, and occasional fart jokes from SIGMA

When life hands you lemons…

March 9th, 2010

We’ve all heard about the problems Toyota is experiencing with their automobiles. The situation presents a serious threat to sales of Toyota vehicles, and given the state of the economy, this is no time to experience such a calamity.

But like the true marketing professional that I am, I would like to suggest to Toyota that the news is not all bad. Within the current troubles lies the solution, and all that is required to prosper is a new way of thinking about the driving experience. So, as a courtesy to my Japanese friends, I offer (free of charge, in the interest of international friendship) the solution to the current dilemma symbolized by a new slogan:

New Toyota Slogan

The Hand Problem

March 6th, 2010

Standing on stage in front of several hundred people while the announcer reads off names and credits, and the thing that’s running through my mind is… “I don’t know what to do with my hands.”

It seemed like forever that I was standing there, while the other people received their awards and returned to their seats. There I was, all alone with arms hanging uselessly by my side.

I tried holding them behind my back until it occurred to me that such a stance was a bit too military-like (”At Ease, Soldier!”) and only accentuated my odd and droopy body shape. Not a good look for me.

Hands in pockets? That didn’t seem right.

Hands clasped in front of my business? That just looks weird, like I’m in church, or standing naked in County Lockup waiting for my ice-cold hose-down and trying to avoid becoming someone’s “girlfriend”.

Hands are extremely useful, but they become pointless extra baggage when standing on stage waiting for someone to hand you an Addy award. It feels very awkward.

It occurs to me now that what I should have done was use the bright spotlight to make shadow sculptures on the wall behind me. I can make a fine dog and a believable eagle. My giraffe needs a little work, however. As long as it seemed to take for the announcer to get to my award, I could probably have developed a whole menagerie of shadow creatures.

Three times I had to go up there. Three times in which I failed to solve the Hand Dilemma. I’ve got to work on that…

Oh, by the way, I won 3 Silver Addys last night. Two for the 2009 Bloomsday Ad series (Color Campaign and Illustrations), and one for the 2009 SIGMA Christmas Card.

Harry Reid is insane

March 5th, 2010

That’s about the only way one can rationalize 36,000 lost jobs as a good thing.

The “Pseudo-History” Channel

March 1st, 2010

Here’s my beef with the so-called “History Channel”.

Last Saturday, they had an all-day marathon of “WWII in HD”. It was fantastic. The show featured restored footage of World War II, and dramatic stories told by those who were there. A truly amazing slice of history. That’s what the History channel is good at.

Then, on Sunday, they followed it up with an all-day marathon of “UFO Files”. Are you kidding me?

For the last few years, I’ve had an ongoing love-hate relationship with the History Channel. When they choose to focus on real history, they do an awesome job. But then they toss out these ridiculous faux-documentaries like the aforementioned UFO Files, and the amazingly silly Monster Quest (which is essentially a “tickle and tease” show that leads you on for an hour and never, NEVER delivers anything other than hopeful conjecture that the monsters in question “might” be out there).

Now they have a show called “Life After People” that speculates on what will become of the world when we are no longer around (the quick answer: things crumble). I guess simply looking to the past is not satisfying enough for the programmers, or perhaps their close proximity on the satellite line-up to the SyFy Channel makes them envious of people who are free to just make stuff up.

Perhaps I’m a dullard, but I’ve always thought of History as consisting primarily of real events, real people, and real stuff that really happened. IN THE PAST. I realize it can be repetitive to keep re-hashing World War II, but there are lots of other interesting aspect of history that can be covered without resorting to outright fiction and pseudo-science.

Life After People? Here’s a tip: If it hasn’t happened yet, it isn’t history.

New Blog Theme

February 27th, 2010

I finally got around to learning how to create a custom WordPress blog theme. The result is a design unique for this site (only fitting since I am reputedly a designer of sorts).

There are a few bugs still needing to be worked out and CSS styles to be written ( for the comments section mostly), but it’s a solid and simple theme that helps to put the emphasis where it should be – on the content.

This blog theme is part of a larger re-design of the Sigmadog.com site that will better integrate all the various aspects of our web presence.

The Official 2010 Bloomsday Poster

February 25th, 2010

Printed last week. Concept, design and illustration by yours truly.

Bloomsday 2010 Poster

Bloomsday ad art #7

February 24th, 2010

Here is the latest Bloomsday ad art. I finished this about two weeks ago, I just haven’t had time to blog. Anyway, here it is.

Bloomsday ad art #7

Eighteen

February 9th, 2010

Here’s Boris at eighteen weeks.

Boris at eighteen

Runner sketch

February 6th, 2010

It’s time to get moving on the next comic book Bloomsday ad, and today I’m working on the preliminary sketch. This is just one element of the piece, and there’s still plenty of stuff to add before moving on to final inking and colorization. Nevertheless, I’m excited about the direction the illustration is going, and I like the energy of this sketch. Just thought I’d share part of the process.

Incidentally, this was done on the computer using Corel Painter XI. I drew it just like I would on paper, instead using my Wacom Intuos 3 pressure sensitive pad.

Runner Sketch

Avatar – a 3D world populated by one-dimensional characters

February 5th, 2010

I saw the film in 3D a couple weeks ago, and I must say that the technical achievements are impressive, but the story is completely underwhelming. I knew within the first 15 minutes exactly how the plot would play out, who would live, who would die, who would fall in love, and who would no longer care (that would be me). For a film offering a sweeping three-dimensional experience, it is ironic that the characters without exception are all one-dimensional and completely predictable. James Cameron has fallen into the same hole that swallowed George Lucas – an obsessive fascination with shiny new toys and a marked dis-interest in character development.

The following is my one-sentence review which I offered my friends on Facebook:

“Avatar 3D: Amazing multi-million dollar special effects wasted on a ten-cent script.”

Welcome to the Idiocracy

February 4th, 2010

Heads up their buttReggie was riding shotgun as I went to get my vehicle emissions test today. But I was denied a test due to Reggie’s presence.

Reggie is a 10-year old border collie mix. Today happened to be “Going to the Dump” Day and she generally accompanies me to the Transfer Station after I load the truck with trash cans and recyclables. In addition to our monthly garbage ritual, I thought it would be good to take care of the emissions test as well, since it’s just down the road from the garbage facility.

As I pulled into the testing facility, I noticed the absence of any other vehicles waiting. There were three testing bays, and only one was open. A single car was finishing up and just pulling out as I pulled in.

“Sweet!” I thought, “This is gonna go real fast.”

As I pulled up to the single on-duty state-worker. I greeted him and asked him what he needed from me as far as paperwork and fees.

He said, “Well, we can’t test your vehicle while there is a dog inside.”

“Why is that?” I asked, “You don’t have to sit inside the vehicle, so why is she a problem?”

“Well, it’s just a rule that we have.”

“Why that rule?” I persisted.

“Well, it’s pretty quiet now, but with all the usual activity in here,” he said as he swept his arm around the completely deserted and quiet facility, “some pets might get panicked and jump out of the vehicles. It’s a danger.”

While he was weaving this splendid tale of bureaucratic, ass-covering bullshit. I looked at Reggie, who was sitting calmly in the passenger seat. She weighs about 50 pounds and on trips in the truck, she splits her time between a doggie-bed in the storage space behind the seats, and the passenger seat where she can get a good view of the world passing by, and occasionally sample the smells by sticking her nose out the window that I leave cracked open by about four or five inches. Unless she suddenly evolved thumbs and the ability to crank a window lever, she wasn’t going anywhere. I knew it. She knew it. And anyone with an ounce of common sense (or, to put it another way, anyone not employed by the State) would see it as well. She returned my look with a blank and uncomprehending stare.

It’s the same look I adopt when confronted with asinine bureaucracy.

As long as everything is legal, it’s not the government’s business what or who I have in my vehicle.

No pets! What bullshit. I am so weary of bureaucratic, government regulated insanity that I can barely spit.

The state-worker added, I suppose in response to my blank and uncomprehending stare, “If you have a leash, you can take him out of the vehicle and tie him up to a post outside, then you can return and do the test.” (Aside: Why is it that everyone inevitably assumes a dog is male?)

Great. What a wonderful idea. Here is a dog who is calm, happy, and sitting with her master in a secure and safely enclosed environment. Enter the State, who, because it Knows Better and is afraid of What Might Happen, wants me to remove my dog from that environment, tie her to a post; leave her there; get back into my truck and drive into a testing facility; then, after a few minutes, drive out of the facility, and around the block to the entrance of said facility where I can put my dog back into that safe and secure environment.

All of this to prevent the animal from becoming excited and panicking in a noisy, busy and scary place.

Did I mention the facility was deserted?

Put another way, my dipshit, chickenshit, know-it-all, Nanny-Government wants to prevent my dog from panicking by creating the precise conditions that will guarantee an extremely agitated, frightened, and panicked dog.

This is how government works. It seeks to prevent Something Bad by creating stupid, asinine, and invasive rules that inevitably result in Something Worse. Whether it’s a dumb emissions test, corporate bailouts, idiotic drug laws, or government-run health care, there is no area of our lives that government will not touch and thereby transform into a shit-sandwich (with nuts).

The whole situation was silly. I could have avoided it by leaving Reggie home, of course. But I’m tired of having to accommodate stupidity in the form of bureaucratic ass-covering, especially from my government. The reason I took Reggie was because I am an adult and in my adult opinion the inclusion of the dog was not a threat in any way to myself, others, or the State. These are the sorts of judgments one is supposed to make as an adult, and yet these judgments are being slowly superseded by a controlling, intrusive, and imbecilic bureaucracy at all levels of our lives.

I hate my government.

Of course, I left the emissions testing facility without a test. I’m thinking I might return next week with Reggie again. When they hassle me, I’ll tell them she’s my seeing-eye dog and threaten a lawsuit if they try to separate us. They’re so stupid, they might just believe me.

New Product from Apple

January 28th, 2010

Clearly, I am not part of the intended market…

A dog’s life

January 26th, 2010

We try to teach our dogs their proper place in the hierarchy around here, but mostly we just end up sitting on the floor.

Boris and Reggie claim the couch

The old gal on the right is Reggie. She’s 10 years old and a real sweetie at 50 lbs.

The youngster on the left is Boris. He’s 18 weeks and 50 lbs. at least. Looking at the size of his feet, he’s got a bit more growing to do.

It’s dead

January 22nd, 2010

That’s what it really means when the President says he’ll “never stop fighting” for healthcare reform.

Hoo-Effing-Ray!

Like most politicians, Obama has a congenital inability to admit he was wrong. Vowing to “fight on” is the closest he’ll ever come to publicly saying he made a mistake. Cloaking his surrender in words of resolution is all he’s left with, because he knows damn-well that many in his party are now petrified with fear at an angry electorate and won’t imperil their cushy seats of power by supporting Obama-care in the future.

Trust me. It ain’t happening. Obama-care is dead.

Tree hugger taps knot-hole, forced to leaf

January 21st, 2010

William Shaw rapped for alleged try for a tree bonk – Scottish News
A MAN has been banned from a public park – after he allegedly tried to have sex with a TREE.

William Shaw, 21, has been ordered by a court not to enter Central Park in Airdrie after claims he attempted to bonk the plant.

It is alleged he dropped his trousers and underpants and exposed himself while in the visitor attraction in September last year.

It is claimed he then tried to have simulated sex with the tree while his trousers were around his ankles.

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