Reggie was riding shotgun as I went to get my vehicle emissions test today. But I was denied a test due to Reggie’s presence.
Reggie is a 10-year old border collie mix. Today happened to be “Going to the Dump” Day and she generally accompanies me to the Transfer Station after I load the truck with trash cans and recyclables. In addition to our monthly garbage ritual, I thought it would be good to take care of the emissions test as well, since it’s just down the road from the garbage facility.
As I pulled into the testing facility, I noticed the absence of any other vehicles waiting. There were three testing bays, and only one was open. A single car was finishing up and just pulling out as I pulled in.
“Sweet!” I thought, “This is gonna go real fast.”
As I pulled up to the single on-duty state-worker. I greeted him and asked him what he needed from me as far as paperwork and fees.
He said, “Well, we can’t test your vehicle while there is a dog inside.”
“Why is that?” I asked, “You don’t have to sit inside the vehicle, so why is she a problem?”
“Well, it’s just a rule that we have.”
“Why that rule?” I persisted.
“Well, it’s pretty quiet now, but with all the usual activity in here,” he said as he swept his arm around the completely deserted and quiet facility, “some pets might get panicked and jump out of the vehicles. It’s a danger.”
While he was weaving this splendid tale of bureaucratic, ass-covering bullshit. I looked at Reggie, who was sitting calmly in the passenger seat. She weighs about 50 pounds and on trips in the truck, she splits her time between a doggie-bed in the storage space behind the seats, and the passenger seat where she can get a good view of the world passing by, and occasionally sample the smells by sticking her nose out the window that I leave cracked open by about four or five inches. Unless she suddenly evolved thumbs and the ability to crank a window lever, she wasn’t going anywhere. I knew it. She knew it. And anyone with an ounce of common sense (or, to put it another way, anyone not employed by the State) would see it as well. She returned my look with a blank and uncomprehending stare.
It’s the same look I adopt when confronted with asinine bureaucracy.
As long as everything is legal, it’s not the government’s business what or who I have in my vehicle.
No pets! What bullshit. I am so weary of bureaucratic, government regulated insanity that I can barely spit.
The state-worker added, I suppose in response to my blank and uncomprehending stare, “If you have a leash, you can take him out of the vehicle and tie him up to a post outside, then you can return and do the test.” (Aside: Why is it that everyone inevitably assumes a dog is male?)
Great. What a wonderful idea. Here is a dog who is calm, happy, and sitting with her master in a secure and safely enclosed environment. Enter the State, who, because it Knows Better and is afraid of What Might Happen, wants me to remove my dog from that environment, tie her to a post; leave her there; get back into my truck and drive into a testing facility; then, after a few minutes, drive out of the facility, and around the block to the entrance of said facility where I can put my dog back into that safe and secure environment.
All of this to prevent the animal from becoming excited and panicking in a noisy, busy and scary place.
Did I mention the facility was deserted?
Put another way, my dipshit, chickenshit, know-it-all, Nanny-Government wants to prevent my dog from panicking by creating the precise conditions that will guarantee an extremely agitated, frightened, and panicked dog.
This is how government works. It seeks to prevent Something Bad by creating stupid, asinine, and invasive rules that inevitably result in Something Worse. Whether it’s a dumb emissions test, corporate bailouts, idiotic drug laws, or government-run health care, there is no area of our lives that government will not touch and thereby transform into a shit-sandwich (with nuts).
The whole situation was silly. I could have avoided it by leaving Reggie home, of course. But I’m tired of having to accommodate stupidity in the form of bureaucratic ass-covering, especially from my government. The reason I took Reggie was because I am an adult and in my adult opinion the inclusion of the dog was not a threat in any way to myself, others, or the State. These are the sorts of judgments one is supposed to make as an adult, and yet these judgments are being slowly superseded by a controlling, intrusive, and imbecilic bureaucracy at all levels of our lives.
I hate my government.
Of course, I left the emissions testing facility without a test. I’m thinking I might return next week with Reggie again. When they hassle me, I’ll tell them she’s my seeing-eye dog and threaten a lawsuit if they try to separate us. They’re so stupid, they might just believe me.
